Everyone at Southeastern Railways claiming today is their first day

EVERY member of staff at Southeastern Railways only started today and so is, sadly, unable to help you.

The entirely new workforce explained to passengers that any queries about lateness, fares or last-minute changes of destination should be directed to an experienced member of staff and there are none.

Commuter Joseph Turner said: “Apparently everyone was sacked yesterday and replaced by people who resemble them but are definitely new and therefore don’t know anything.

“They don’t even know which tickets are valid on this service, which is why they’re having to charge everyone the £20 penalty or twice the full single fare.”

Southeastern employee Emma Bradford said: “It’s just easier this way.

“I mean, I absolutely genuinely know nothing, but if I tell someone I’ve been working here since 2007 they assume I’m lying instead of just bone idle.

“Don’t get me wrong. If I knew the answer to your question I’d tell you, but the odds against it are astronomical.

“Seriously, it’s a waste of my time and yours. Can I go now?”