Everyone at Southeastern Railways claiming today is their first day

EVERY member of staff at Southeastern Railways only started today and so is, sadly, unable to help you.

The entirely new workforce explained to passengers that any queries about lateness, fares or last-minute changes of destination should be directed to an experienced member of staff and there are none.

Commuter Joseph Turner said: “Apparently everyone was sacked yesterday and replaced by people who resemble them but are definitely new and therefore don’t know anything.

“They don’t even know which tickets are valid on this service, which is why they’re having to charge everyone the £20 penalty or twice the full single fare.”

Southeastern employee Emma Bradford said: “It’s just easier this way.

“I mean, I absolutely genuinely know nothing, but if I tell someone I’ve been working here since 2007 they assume I’m lying instead of just bone idle.

“Don’t get me wrong. If I knew the answer to your question I’d tell you, but the odds against it are astronomical.

“Seriously, it’s a waste of my time and yours. Can I go now?”


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Toyota Yaris is ideal Mother’s Day gift, suggest advertisers

YOUR mother deserves a £14,095 five-door Yaris Icon, Toyota has suggested.

The car is being promoted as the perfect present in a national TV and poster campaign which your mother is certain to have seen.

Helen Archer of Stevenage said: “I remember when it was just a card.

“Then it became a card and chocolates, then flowers, and then it was decided I didn’t love my mother unless I bought her a compilation CD of cloying ballads. And now I’m going to have to buy her this fucking car.

“I can’t argue – the way I behaved as a teenager it should really be the 1.5 Hybrid Excel model with panoramic sunroof – but then I’d have to sell my house.”

Other advertisers have suggested Mother’s Day gifts including a Hermes handbag, a boat or a second home in London’s fashionable Marylebone district.

Mother Susan Traherne said: “I don’t want any fuss. All I want is for you to stop disappointing me all the time.”