TERRIFYING numbers of people are going nuts on the streets of England because two people they’ve never met are getting married in a big church.
Despite never having spoken to the newlyweds or even seen them in three dimensions, the whole shebang is a massive deal to millions of people because one of them was born in a castle, with dungeons and everything, to a family who have been rich for a very long time and the other one looks nice.
Divorced welder Tom Logan, who has been voluntarily sleeping in a tent in a London street because of all this, said: “I can’t believe how amazing this is. Definitely worth living in a gutter for nine days drinking my own recycled urine to see a fleeting glimpse of what was either a gilded carriage or a recycling lorry.
“This is the best day of my life, other than when I discovered my own reflection wasn’t an evil ghost.”
All around the country semi-compulsory fun is being enjoyed by large groups of easily-amused individuals, united by their shared enthusiasm for wealthy people.
Reveller Nikki Ellis said: “The atmosphere is amazing, it’s like Notting Hill Carnival but less black-oriented.
“Some people say the wedding is probably a nice thing for the people getting married, who seem pleasant enough, but overall they aren’t any more bothered about it than the Windsors would be if they got hitched.
“To which I say, you’re entitled to your opinion but you hate England and everything in it and should be torn apart by rabid bulldogs in a mess of exploding entrails.”
Typically strange-looking commentator Stephen Malley said: “To people who don’t like this sort of thing, I say: George Orwell liked it, he was cleverer than you, so fuck off.”
The land mass popularly known as Great Britain, on which the wedding is taking place, said: “Being a massive inanimate thing without arms or eyes, I have been unable to see the pictures of Kate looking pretty in Hello! and thus get worked up about it all.
“Personally I think the best thing about me is my 700 soil types.”