Everyone in London doing medical testing

ALL Londoners are taking part in paid medical trials so that they can afford to continue living there, it has been confirmed.

The cost of living in the capital means that even the wealthy are renting out their bodies as receptacles for experimental drugs that will probably not harm them.

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson said: “Despite having a decent job I’m always looking for extra cash because this city is a bitch.

“All I have to do is take these tablets, twice a week over the course of a month and then at the end they give me £2,000 to help keep the lights on.

“Some of the side effects include garbled speech but evidence of that I haven’t much seen.”

Musician Eric Clapton added: “All I’ve got to do is drink a vial of beige fluid once a week for three months and keep a diary of any hallucinations.”

However the popularity of drug testing has increased competition in the low-dignity part time work market.

Struggling musician Tom Logan said: “There aren’t enough experimental medicines to go around. I had a sweet gig doing life modelling on Tuesday evenings but then Alan Yentob muscled in on that, with his big talk about knowing famous artists.”

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New form of plastic surgery makes people look better

A REVOLUTIONARY new type of plastic surgery does not make people look worse than they did before.

Innovative techniques mean patients will no longer resemble varnished shop window dummies that have slightly melted in a fire.

Plastic surgeon Stephen Malley said: “Previously we thought the inevitable outcome of face lifts and rhinoplasties was to give patients an unsettling, not-quite-human appearance like the Autons in Doctor Who.

“But we have perfected a series of radical new techniques, such as not chiselling perfectly normal noses into unusual shapes that don’t exist in nature.

“We’re also experimenting with not doing something weird to people’s eyelids or carving their face into the likeness of a startled skeleton.”

Malley will also turn his attention to other areas of cosmetic surgery, including breast implants that are breast-shaped rather than looking like half an 18th century naval cannonball.