ALL Londoners are taking part in paid medical trials so that they can afford to continue living there, it has been confirmed.
The cost of living in the capital means that even the wealthy are renting out their bodies as receptacles for experimental drugs that will probably not harm them.
The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson said: “Despite having a decent job I’m always looking for extra cash because this city is a bitch.
“All I have to do is take these tablets, twice a week over the course of a month and then at the end they give me £2,000 to help keep the lights on.
“Some of the side effects include garbled speech but evidence of that I haven’t much seen.”
Musician Eric Clapton added: “All I’ve got to do is drink a vial of beige fluid once a week for three months and keep a diary of any hallucinations.”
However the popularity of drug testing has increased competition in the low-dignity part time work market.
Struggling musician Tom Logan said: “There aren’t enough experimental medicines to go around. I had a sweet gig doing life modelling on Tuesday evenings but then Alan Yentob muscled in on that, with his big talk about knowing famous artists.”