Everyone referring to woman with baby as 'Mum'

A WOMAN who has a baby is being called ‘Mum’ by all medical professionals, family members, friends and strangers. 

Eleanor Shaw, who welcomed a boy into the world after the worst 37 hours of her life, is now not only too tired to drink more than one glass of wine, but also adjusting to being called ‘Mum’ by everyone.

Shaw commented: “The first time my partner called me ‘Mum’ I thought he was joking but then he kept saying it. Then my parents and his parents joined in. My baby is going to grow up thinking I’m called ‘Mum’.

“I thought the sleepless nights and constant arguments about who’s working hardest – which is obviously the mother – were what drove couples apart after a baby, but that’s nothing compared to a grown man you used to shag calling you ‘Mum’”.

Shaw’s partner, Ben, said: “Baby and Mum are doing really well. It’s such a happy time and I couldn’t be more proud of my baby’s Mum. She’s just the best Mum.”

Shaw added: “Is everyone trying to remind me I’m a mother in case I forget I have a small human constantly attached to my breast? The only person who doesn’t call me ‘Mum’ is my son because he can’t yet talk.

“I’ve decided to teach him to call me ‘Her Name’s Fucking Eleanor’. It’s going to be so magical to hear him say that for the first time.”

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It's not about the war, says man supporting any team against Germany

A MAN watching the World Cup says he has no grudge against Germany despite passionately supporting any side playing against them.

Roy Hobbs was ecstatic to see Mexico beat Germany and plans to support any team they come up against, but insists he has no anti-German feelings.

Retired engineer Hobbs said: “I don’t hate the Germans, I’ve just always been a big fan of the national football teams of countries like South Korea, Costa Rica and Senegal.

“When Mexico scored I may have made the odd comment like ‘Take that, you kraut bastards!’, but that was just appreciation for the Mexican goalscorer, Sanchez El Gringo or whatever he’s called.

“I did also shout ‘THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM!’ and put on the Dambusters theme, but that was just a coincidence.”

However acquaintances suspect Hobbs may have a strange, outdated dislike of Germany due to wanting to see their modern team of 2018 beaten by Poland to “get their own back”.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “Roy saying England versus Germany will be ‘like D-Day all over again’ does not sound to me like a man who has come to terms with the past.”