Men wearing kilts 'placing themselves in jeopardy and inviting upskirting'

MEN who insist on dressing provocatively by wearing kilts are basically inviting people to stick cameras up them, it has been claimed.

Upskirting fan Francesca Johnson said: “If they want to parade around in public wearing next to nothing, then it’s an open invitation for a pervert like me to shove my smartphone up there.

“I’ve going to a wedding in Scotland this weekend so it’ll be wall-to-wall kilts. They don’t have to wear them, they could dress modestly, but if they’re choosing kilts, they’re choosing the extra attention.

“Don’t play the ‘it’s my family tartan’ card when we all know you’re just a burly 46-year-old little minx.”

She added: “I suppose I could choose not be a predatory sex pest, but it’s easier for me to blame them instead of examining my own sinister creepiness. Plus me and my mates have got a bet on who can get the most photos of actual knobs.”

Kilt wearer Tom Logan said: “Is she really going to get some sort of sexual thrill from looking at a very bad quality picture of my pants? She needs to get a fucking life.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Beyonce and Jay-Z release album about when she left the bath running and it ruined the kitchen ceiling

BEYONCE and Jay-Z have released a joint album about that time she left the bath running and it overflowed through the kitchen ceiling. 

Everything Is Fine, Stop Asking details moments of the couple’s 15-year relationship including arguments about tidying the fridge, taking the car for its MOT and whose turn it is to get up with Blue Ivy. 

Music writer Francesca Johnson said: “My highlights are the bath one Raining Inside2 Many Kicks about Jay buying trainers he never even bloody wears and the searching Where The Fucking Hell Are My Car Keys

“Then there’s Eternity, a moving song about when they were meant to be watching Taken 2 but Bey’s sister phoned and it was on pause for an hour-and-a-half while they yakked on, and on a Saturday night. 

“It concludes with the unsettling instrumental track Dinner With Kim and Kanye which has no vocals because neither of them are yet ready to talk about it.” 

Beyonce and Jay-Z are currently in Europe for their On The Run 2 tour, the centrepiece of which is a 15-minute passive-aggressive conversation about who put a glass down on their $108,000 Louis XV table without using a coaster.