EVERYTHING in Britain is now unbearably amazing.
With less then 50,000 seconds to go until the solution to everything that has ever been wrong, doctors declared an epidemic of excitement fever.
Commuter Helen Archer, from Finsbury Park, said: “HERE COMES MY BUS! GO FOR GOLD, BUS! WE’RE BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY!”
Archer then punched the air and wet herself.
Standing before the constituent parts of his breakfast, Tom Logan, from Peterborough, added: “YOU ARE ALL CHAMPIONS! ESPECIALLY YOU, MARMALADE!”
Logan then composed a violent, expletive-filled letter to Ryan Giggs demanding to know why the Team GB captain did not sing the national anthem and threatening to be only mildly demented in his enthusiasm for the Olympic football team.
He added: “MY EYES FEEL HUGE!”
Meanwhile, experts predict that tonight’s opening ceremony will cause other countries to back away from Britain slowly while saying ‘ookaaay’.
Julian Cook, professor of opening ceremony discomfort at Roehampton University, said: “It will be a celebration of everything that is weird and unsettling about Britain.
“Danny Boyle will open the top of our national head and spray the contents all over the front of the world, like an angry farmer in the midst of a nervous breakdown.”
Over the next fantastically exciting 12 hours, the Olympic torch will bravely defy water on board the Queen’s Jubilee Ultra-Barge, Britain’s cats will unveil their Tribute to Victory and at twelve minutes past eight Big Ben will start ringing and it will never stop.
Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, welcomed the launch of the games, adding: “They will provide a fevered world teetering on the brink of economic collapse with a much-needed dose of petty nationalism.
“Now let us all make colourful banners to encourage a bunch of dreary, self-obsessed show-offs who could not give a fuck about our support.”
