Everything now happening 'for a generation'

THE term ‘for a generation’ must be used for any vague but long-sounding period of time, experts have confirmed. 

The phrase, which covers how long Labour will be out of power, how long it will take to defeat ISIS and the length of time it will take caramel to stop being salted, is expected to remain common currency for however long a generation is.

Journalist Helen Archer said: “Yesterday I wrote that there hadn’t been a new Libertines album for a generation and nobody questioned it.

“It’s great, because it sounds really heavy and portentous like an ancient curse but it can actually just mean like nine years or so.

“Though, with people having kids later, a generation could now last much, much longer than a generation. Which is why, in my new piece, I’ve said that the new Star Wars will redefine the franchise for generations to come.”

Gardener Bill McKay said: “Yesterday I was stuck in traffic lights for a generation, then when I got to work there were no tea bags so I couldn’t have a hot drink for a generation.

“I went to the shop to get some but there was a long queue so I ended up waiting for a generation.

“At least it seemed like a generation, it was actually about ten minutes.”

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#Tories4Corbyn not quitting now

THE #Tories4Corbyn campaign has greeted its candidate’s victory by vowing to back him all the way to the general election.

Rebranded as #Tories4Corbyn4EVA, the right-wingers who joined Labour in order to vote Corbyn into power have agreed that the joke hasn’t even begun to stop being funny yet.

Spectator columnist Tom Booker said: “I giggled myself silly when Corbyn got elected, but this is real-world satire and the true hilarity is still to come.

“I’ve persuaded several billionaire friends to make enormous donations to Labour, just for the yuks, and for the next five years every one of my columns will fervently back the bearded one, all done completely deadpan and never letting the mask slip.

“Come the election I, and millions of other well-dressed professional canvassers, will be out knocking on doors pushing the Corbyn message to suburban families who wouldn’t give his usual fleece-clad scruffs the time of day.

“Their votes, combined with our own, will turn the blue heartlands red and deliver an absolutely side-splitting landslide majority enabling Corbyn to act on every element of his radical agenda.

“Then we sit back and enjoy the self-satisfied belly-laughs.”