Everything you need to be a bellend at university

IT’S traditional to be a bellend during your time at university, so what will you need? Forget the family-sized bag of pasta and cheese grater, here are the real essentials to take with you.

Lame ‘hard’ anecdotes

Freshers often compete to have the most pre-uni ‘street cred’, so be ready to mention any drug experiences or ultra-minor run-ins with the police. Don’t try too hard – being put in detention will make you look like NWA.

Weird clothes

If you’re going down this road you can try anything from the classic ‘unconvincing vampire’ Goth look to a random jumble of ‘alternative’ clothes such as corduroy dungarees and a Rasta hat. This will definitely never come back to haunt you in the age of camera phones and Facebook.

Conversations about A-levels

If there’s one thing you’ll talk about a lot at uni, it’s A-levels. Have lots of scintillating A-level chat ready, such as: what A-levels you did; what grades you got; the person who wet themselves during the English Lit exam. (Neglect to mention that was you.)

Dance moves

Learn these approved student dance steps:

● A single moderately competent move, eg. the running man, but which you repeat endlessly all night as if mentally unwell.

● Robotically moving your arms up and down and occasionally jerking left and right like the Duracell Bunny. Pretty cool move if you hang out with science students.

● Just jumping about frantically. It’s punk. Or something.

The ability to bullshit

Crucial in every sphere of university life. Have you done the pre-reading? Yes. Do you like listening to a stranger drone on about his arse-end-of-nowhere hometown? Sure! Are you only at this tedious SU meeting because you haven’t made any friends? No way!

Selective amnesia

You’re definitely going to make a total tit of yourself many, many times, whether it’s shitting yourself during an alcohol blackout or mispronouncing ‘hyperbole’ in a seminar.

Practise blotting out unwanted memories. This will also come in useful whenever you remember how much getting a degree from a university nobody has heard of is costing you.

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I quit last week, says May

THERESA May has informed Brexiters plotting a coup against her that she walked out a week ago and nobody even noticed. 

The former prime minister has spent the last seven days lounging around at home reading Ruth Rendell books and taking part in daytime TV phone-ins while rival MPs planned to overthrow her. 

She admitted: “I woke up a week ago to another shovelful of horse manure from Boris, thought ‘What’s keeping me here?’ and couldn’t find an answer. 

“So I nipped to the palace – nobody notices when the BBC haven’t hired a helicopter – told Her Majesty to keep the good news to herself, and I’ve been watching them run around like headless chickens ever since. 

“Happy to report it’s made no difference whatsoever to the running of government. And I’ve proved Boris can lose a fight to an empty chair.” 

Leading Brexiter Jacob Rees-Mogg said: “She’s gone? Then why aren’t we already in charge? 

“Ah yes, because there’s only 70 of us and making up whatever numbers you like doesn’t work on people who can add up.”