THINGS with no value have been fractionally reduced in price, making them exciting.
As the post-Christmas retail experience begins, a load of utter shit has become frenzy-inducing ‘bargains’ after fictitious prices unrelated to value were replaced with another, slightly lower, made-up figure.
Shopper Emma Bradford said: “I got a Hairyblender 9000 – a food blender covered in human hair – for £199, reduced from a theoretical value of £2000. These retailers must be fucking mad, or total idiots.
“And there’s 45% off a cushion shaped like a dog. That’s insane, I mean just the cost of the materials involved in making a dog-shaped cushion must be, well, very high.”
Father-of-two Tom Booker said: “Despite being in loads of debt and at risk of losing my job, today my only concern is not missing out on a great bargain for a pet spa day.
“It’s a third off! A £100 saving! So it’s exactly the same as being paid £100, assuming I were to spend that money on a pet spa day.”
Shop owner Stephen Malley said: “Stampede on it, you bovine dimwits! Trample each other to death in your ruthless quest for life-affirming crud!
“Sorry, I mean ‘bargains galore’!”