Factory blaze caused by stupid bloody Chinese lantern thing

A MASSIVE factory fire was caused by one of those monstrously fucking stupid Chinese lanterns, it has been confirmed.

The fire has so far injured several fireman and poisoned the local atmosphere as a 6000ft tall plume of smoke reaches into the sky which just a few hours earlier was filled with the magic and wonder of a Chinese lantern.

The blaze, one of the biggest ever in the West Midlands, destroyed a huge plastics factory because someone thinks glowing paper lampshades are really pretty, especially when let loose in the atmosphere

Martin Bishop, professor of flames at Roehampton University, said: “It’s legal to start a little fire and then send it floating up into the night sky without the faintest fucking idea where it’s going to land.

“But it’s okay because most people who use Chinese lanterns don’t want them to cause a massive fire and are generally quite sad about it when they do.

“To make them illegal would deprive people the opportunity to cause millions of pounds worth of damage in a place they never even knew existed.”

Chinese lantern fan, Nicki Hollis, said: “I like to imagine that each one is someone’s special prayer, floating up to God.”

But Professor Bishop added: “That only really works if the prayer is for a massive fucking fire.”

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Lopez audience imprisoned for not making enough noise

AUDIENCE members at Jennifer Lopez’s gig in Turkmenistan have been incarcerated for not partying hard enough.

A source said: “When JLo said, ‘Make some noise everyone!’ we all cheered as best we could given the shitness of the music.

“However government officials deemed the level of audience enthusiasm to be insufficient. We were asked by men with guns to remain behind after the concert.

“I haven’t seen my brother since.”