Failure now an option

FAILURE is always an option despite what they tell you, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that people should add total failure to their list of acceptable outcomes in their work and personal lives.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We are conditioned to beat ourselves up about not succeeding at all the petty bullshit.

“I failed at getting some funding yesterday, and although I blamed nepotism and corrupt officialdom, I think it was really my lack of basic effort and inability to think of a good idea.

“But given that you will fail at most things, you might as well be cool with it. I fail about 20 times a day.

“Without failure we would not be human, and more importantly we would not have ‘epic fail’ YouTube videos.”

21-year-old dry stone waller Wayne Hayes said: “Today I built a wall but I fucked it up and it fell over.

“Now I’m just going to eat my sandwich and think about something else.”

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Dulux launches paint range inspired by relationship problems

PAINT maker Dulux has created a range inspired by the various types of tension that creep into relationships.

It hopes that couples can revitalise their homes while also expressing a range of emotions from ‘Irrational Irritation’, ‘Growing Rift’ and ‘That’s Just Fucking Typical’.

A Dulux spokesman said: “Couples typically decorate when then move in together, which is often when the rot starts to set in.

“There are 87 new products in the range which are all slight variations on grey, apart from one with a bit of an orange tinge that’s called ‘Vaguely Hopeful’.

“We’re looking into launching some brighter, bolder colours next year with more upbeat names such as ‘Divorce Settlement Party’ and ‘Five Minutes Peace On The Toilet’.”

28-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I thought our living room suited ‘Lazy Bastard’ but my husband thought it was more ‘Why Are You Being Such a Fucking Cow Lately?’

“Finally we compromised on ‘The Coming Storm’.”