Fake nice people worse than authentic bastards

PEOPLE who pretend to be nice are worse than those who are openly unpleasant, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that fake nice people were they worst of type of human because they are both cunning and annoying.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Currently over 97 per cent of middle class people fall into the ‘fake nice’ bracket.

“They’re like ‘great to see you’, ‘how’s work going?’ and ‘did you see this culturally relevant film?’ in their chirpy upbeat voices.

“But they would fuck you over at the first opportunity, especially if it meant they could get a bit more money because that is all they care about.”

Professor Brubaker compared 50 fake nice middle class people with a group of overt bastards including bitter cantankerous pensioners and psychopathic Welsh hill farmers.

He said: “The bastards, although rude and unpleasant, actually believed the things they were saying, which were mostly ‘fuck off’ and ‘I don’t want to talk to you’.

“The fake nice people were all like, ‘you’ve lost loads of weight’, despite the fact we’d never met before. Then they invited us around for a pretentious meal that was clearly designed to show off, and we had a thoroughly boring conversation full of veiled boasts.”

83-year-old bastard Mary Fisher said: “I’m only prejudiced against one sort of people, and that’s everyone. Proceeding on that basis, we can just leave each other alone forever.”

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Nuns to teach Tristram Hunt that he’s dirty and wrong

CATHOLIC nuns have pledged to teach Tristram Hunt that he is a dirty boy who makes Jesus angry.

The day after the shadow education secretary questioned nuns’ teaching ability, Hunt was accosted outside his office, grabbed by the ear and thrown violently into the back of a black transit van which then drove away at high speed.

The Immaculate Sisters of Mary, a militant Catholic teaching brigade, claimed responsibility and promised to give Mr Hunt ‘a lesson in Christian love he is unlikely to forget’.

In a statement the Sisters said: “It seems young Mr Hunt has quite the tongue on him doesn’t he? No doubt that same tongue utters all kinds of filthy, mucky words. Like ‘fanny’.

“Dirty, nasty boy. Probably been up all night doing bad things to himself. Well, young Mr Hunt is about to get a lesson in what is good and what is bad.

“You can have him back when he’s learned how to get into heaven.”