Family discovers 'will of the people' is terrible way to make decisions

A FAMILY of two adults and three small children is regretting putting all household decisions to a simple majority vote.

The Sheridans of Nottingham failed to realise the ‘will of the people’ would lead to problems such as their children deciding every meal should just be Haribos.

Mum Donna said: “I thought the kids were fairly sensible, but now my teeth have a constant coating of Haribo fur and my hair is falling out from malnutrition.

“With their slim majority they voted to stop going to school and now we’re being taken to court. On the upside, at least we’re going to Disneyland next month. And indeed every month until our money runs out.

“All the stress makes me want a big glass of wine, but Becky and the two boys cut a deal to spend the alcohol budget on My Little Pony crud, an iguana and two crossbows.”

However even the main beneficiaries of the new system have reservations. Six-year-old Liam said: “Me and Becky and Jack voted to have a massive bonfire with loads of petrol and fireworks and it burned the shed down and melted our bikes.

“Clearly this was Mummy and Daddy’s fault for opposing democracy. As punishment they will not be allowed to play with the pet chimp we’ve ordered.”

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Woman who didn't have a lighter to lend stranger feels like a failure

A WOMAN who was asked for a light but did not have one now feels like an utter failure, she has confirmed.

Nikki Hollis was approached by a man looking for a lighter while sitting in a park. She fumbled around in her bag and pockets for several minutes, despite knowing with absolute certainty that she did not have one.

Hollis then attempted to create a spark by bashing a couple of stones together that she found on the floor and trying to rub a wooden toothpick into the ground, but lacked the necessary skills to create fire.

She said: “Last time I was at a club, a girl in the loos asked me for a tampon and I didn’t have any. So this time, I crammed my bag full of tampons but sadly you can’t light a cigarette with a tampon.

“Why did I ever quit smoking? What a stupid, self-destructive thing to do.”