Family keeps congratulating itself on Facebook for some reason

MEMBERS of a family keep giving each other praise for basically just existing.

The Bishop family of Nuneaton spend an inordinate amount of time on Facebook telling each other they are incredible people.

Neighbour Julian Cook said: “Whenever I go on Facebook the Bishops are bigging each other up over some ordinary activity like buying a lawnmower or going swimming.

“I’m all for not taking loved ones for granted, but when you’re continually writing stuff like ‘My gorgeous wife has just made amazing sandwiches – again!!!’ it’s just a bit strange.

“If it’s not ‘So blessed to have such amazing, beautiful children!’ it’s things like ‘Congratulations to son Dave for C+ in art coursework. Teachers must have been impressed!’

“Yesterday Martin posted that it was ‘great to have such wonderful people around me on this special occasion’. They’d only gone to the pictures.”

Martin Bishop said: “As a family we like to acknowledge our achievements large and small, as my son did today when he posted the message, ‘Great-looking new lawnmower, Dad!’.

“We definitely don’t live in mortal terror of our crushing ordinariness.”

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F**k off, you're not invited anymore, UK tells Trump

BRITAIN has withdrawn Donald Trump’s invitation to visit and never really wanted him to come in the first place.

The UK has got sick of Trump complaining about protests and admitted his visit would have been horrific anyway.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “It’s not like Britain has got a shortage of horrible right-wing twats at the moment.

“Having him to stay would have been a huge hassle for the police and the Queen, and he’d only have wanted to go to Planet Hollywood for a ‘Terminator burger’.”

Electrician Tom Logan said: “I wouldn’t want Trump staying at my house because he’s the sort of obnoxious guest who would eat all the yoghurts and freak out about not having his own bathroom.

“Therefore I’ve decided not to invite him to my country. He wouldn’t have got much out of visiting Stonehenge or Tate Modern anyway because he’d constantly be fiddling with his Twitter.

“Usually when some twat relative from abroad cancels a visit you have to pretend to be sad, like when Uncle Darren from Germany couldn’t come because of his bad leg.

“That’s not the case here though. Fuck Trump.”