Increasingly disturbed May trying to forge alliance with squirrels

THERESA May has been spotted in a park trying to coerce a squirrel into joining a coalition.

Park attendant Wayne Hayes found the wild-haired, bedraggled prime minister crouched over a bush making promises about nuts.

He said: “She had a squirrel cornered against a tree, saying they had strong mutual interests.

“She said mammals who have the foresight to create a winter food stash deserve to be rewarded, and that she could introduce strict laws protecting nuts from magpies.

“The squirrel looked totally freaked out, it was on its hind legs making a high-pitched defensive sound.”

Squirrel Roy Hobbs said: “As a squirrel, you don’t really expect to be a political kingmaker. Power is meaningless to us, we crave only the safety of a branch and a poorly-designed bird feeder that you can steal from.”

He added: “She needs to get some sleep, she looks frightening.”

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Couple's attempt to invent pet names for each other a collosal f**k up

A NEW couple have experimented with quirky pet names for each other that are absolutely dreadful. 

Tom Logan and Eleanor Shaw have been testing new names including ‘Lemon Pop’ and ‘Little Bear’ but were forced to admit the entire exercise has been a ‘colossal fuck up from start to finish’.

Shaw said: “‘Lemon Pop’ was ironic because he’s a bit of a muscleman, but he did not get that. Took it quite badly in fact.

“And I call him ‘Big Bear’ because he’s hairy, but am I hairy? No. Do I want to be ‘Little Hairy Bear Freak’? The whole thing has undermined the relationship quite badly.”

Logan agreed: “We know other couples that have them and we’ve copied that without really understanding it. And it’s shown.

“At one point we considered ‘Snugglepuss’ and ‘Tubba Wubba’. It may as well have been ‘Hitler’ and ‘Stalin’.”