THERESA May has been spotted in a park trying to coerce a squirrel into joining a coalition.
Park attendant Wayne Hayes found the wild-haired, bedraggled prime minister crouched over a bush making promises about nuts.
He said: “She had a squirrel cornered against a tree, saying they had strong mutual interests.
“She said mammals who have the foresight to create a winter food stash deserve to be rewarded, and that she could introduce strict laws protecting nuts from magpies.
“The squirrel looked totally freaked out, it was on its hind legs making a high-pitched defensive sound.”
Squirrel Roy Hobbs said: “As a squirrel, you don’t really expect to be a political kingmaker. Power is meaningless to us, we crave only the safety of a branch and a poorly-designed bird feeder that you can steal from.”
He added: “She needs to get some sleep, she looks frightening.”