Family to get ex-girlfriend’s presents

A RECENTLY-DUMPED man plans to save money by giving his ex-girlfriend’s gifts to family members.

After being dumped last week, 23-year-old Tom Booker is to pretend gifts bought for his former girlfriend were carefully selected for various relatives.

He said: “Getting my heart smashing into tiny pieces was obviously bad, but on the plus side all my Christmas shopping is now sorted.

“I’d bought her a ton of stuff and most of it can go to family, apart from the ‘sensual pleasure gel’ which is more of a charity shop thing.

“Although maybe my brother’s wife might like it, she does seem a bit sexually obsessed.”

Booker’s sister Sarah said: “He always gets her nice perfume, so that’s got to be heading my way. Maybe she’s not so much of a bitch after all.”

Booker’s father Tony is to receive the Orange is the New Black box set. He said: “I’ve never heard of this programme but apparently it’s about women getting off with each other in prison which sounds fairly interesting.”

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Complaining bastard seeks flaw in eBay purchase

A SERIAL complainer is hoping to find something wrong with a second-hand item purchased from the internet.

Moaning fucker Norman Steele paid £4 for vinyl copy of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours album, which on first inspection is disappointingly satisfactory.

He said: “I buy a lot of old stuff online, and I complain about all of it. It’s my hobby.

“Usually people offer me a full refund just to get me out of their hair, but even then I will keep fucking moaning on about the principle of the thing and try to get them banned from the relevant website.

“Even if the item is only a couple of quid I will find fault and pursue the seller in the most dogged manner, as if they have done me a grievous personal wrong.”

Steele grudgingly admitted that the record appeared to be in ‘excellent’ condition as per its description, but has paid £4,000 for a full forensic test that should reveal the tiniest flaw.

He said: “I’m sure there are some stray skin particles in the grooves that will affect playback quality in a way that is completely unacceptable.

“Failing that I can just snap it in half and say it wasn’t packed properly.”