Father scraps plan to use baby carrier because it is ‘badly designed’

A FATHER has abandoned plans to wear a ‘papoose’ baby carrier because it is ‘very badly designed’.

Tom Logan has been trying to put the carrier on for the past two hours so he can pop to the shop for beer and footballs and stuff.

Logan said: “There are too many straps or not enough straps.

“I’ve tried jumping into it, sliding into it, rubbing myself in olive oil and wriggling into it sideways.

“Apart from anything else, I think it might be designed for a 12-year-old. Either that or I’ve put on a lot of weight, which is not possible because I own an expensive bicycle.”

He added: “I really wanted to be one of those cool, modern dads with floppy hair and their own changing bag. But because the manufacturer failed to design this properly I shall have to use this badly designed pram.”

Logan’s six-month-old son, Ben said: “He threw away the instructions.”

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New Waitrose delivery service will come into your house and sneer at it

A NEW delivery service from Waitrose will bring your groceries into your house and pity you for your shallow, petit bourgeois aspirations.

Delivery drivers will let themselves in by finding the spare key in the painfully obvious location behind the hanging basket, and will cover your house with disdainful Post-Its mocking what a pathetic social climber you are.

Susan Traherne from Uttoxeter, said: “There was a charmingly snide note on my fridge-freezer saying ‘Did you need one this big, or do you think you’re American?’.

“They knew exactly which Le Creuset I’d got from TK Maxx, which dresses I was too old or fat for, and a lovely watercolour in the hall was marked ‘I remember this from the cover of the People’s Friend’.

“When I nipped in the downstairs loo and saw the note saying ‘Liquid soap! How marvellous, like in a public convenience’ I actually broke down weeping in shame.

“It’s just like when I had my posh friend over and she winced at the gas fire. I’ll definitely be using the service again.”

A Waitrose spokesman said: “And of course she’ll order truffle oil next time to try and impress us.”