Home of cannabis and prostitution draws the line at Marmite

A COUNTRY where cannabis and prostitution are legal and chemical weapons are analysed, has refused to have anything to do with Marmite.

Plans for Unilever to move its global headquarters to the Netherlands have been scrapped after the Dutch government threatened lead action against anyone involved in the distribution of yeast extract.

A Dutch government spokesman said: “We are a tolerant people. A little spliff? Sure. Selling your body? It happens. But this is just filth in a jar. How can you have this in your houses?

“You get all upset about Novichok being released in your historic city, but then you eat this? You’re weird.

“A Dutch person is calling you weird.”

The spokesman added: “We’re more than happy to give you a comprehensive free trade deal, with the exception of any trucks carrying Marmite. We will tip those into the sea.”

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Free wifi worth 'less than nothing'

THE free internet connection in airports, shopping centres and cafes is worth a negative amount of money, experts have confirmed.

Until now, networks that allow consumers to browse without limiting their data had confounded scientists and economists trying to place a value on their utility.

However, the Institute for Studies confirmed that every single one of them is a piece of utter fucking shit that eats your very soul.

Speaking from a coffee shop, Professor Henry Brubaker said: “To call the wifi in here worthless would be mathematically incorrect.

“The fucker that came up with this bollocks should be paying me to log on.”

The value below zero differs across the spectrum of ‘free’ wifi providers, with airports at the very bottom and forward-thinking town centres somehow beneath that.