Father's friend doesn't deserve 'uncle' status

A 38-YEAR-OLD father of two has confirmed that one of his closest friends does not deserve the status of ‘uncle’.

Tom Booker, from Edinburgh, stressed his friend Mark could have made a good ‘uncle’ if he could actually remember the children’s names and the fact that they exist.

Booker said: “He’ll call me every couple of months and suggest we go for an old-fashioned Saturday afternoon session and I say ‘no, I’m taking the kids to karate lessons’.

“And he then pauses and says ‘of course, of course’ but I know he’s thinking ‘oh shit, he’s got kids –  how many and what the f*ck are they called?’.

“And then he’ll say ‘send lots of love from Uncle Mark’ before asking how my wife is.”

Booker’s wife Melissa said: “Mark recently suggested we all celebrate Christmas together this year and I didn’t know what to say. His hugs last way too long.”


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Woman happily falls down stairs to avoid stepping on cat

A WOMAN who fell down a flight of stairs to avoid stepping on her cat has confirmed she would happily do it again.

Emma Bradford revealed the reasons for her fall after arriving for work on crutches and quite heavily bruised.

Bradford said: “It was me or the cat and I know how much she hates it when people stand on her. I don’t think people consider that enough in life.

“It wasn’t a choice, as such, to fall down all the stairs but it quickly became the only other option.

“It’s certainly had its downside, but I wouldn’t describe it as a bad decision.”

Bradford’s cat, Daisy added: “I would have called her an ambulance, but I don’t have a mobile.”