F*cking lunatic wants to stay out past midnight

A MAD man has confirmed he wants to stay out past midnight at some point this week.

Tom Logan, a complete and utter maniac, said: “Why not properly enjoy ourselves and spend 10 to 12 hours drinking if we can?”

Logan has recently googles topics such as ‘bars open late’, ‘clubs with no cover’ and ‘best 3am kebab’.

He insisted that post-midnight socialising is normal in many countries but has failed to convince his friends he is not insane.

Martin Bishop said: “We just don’t do this here, and he knows that. I’m genuinely worried that he’s gone right off his nut.”

Logan added: “I’m not saying we have to get crazy, I’m just suggesting we could somehow get shots until 3 or 4am and then try not to puke in an Uber Pool with strangers.”


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Tinder admits that everyone you swipe left gets thrown in a dungeon

TINDER has confirmed that all the people who get swiped left are thrown in a dungeon.

A company spokesman said: “We’ve been debating whether or not we should tell our users, as we thought it might put them off a little bit.

“But we decided it was best to let them know that when they swipe left on someone, they are condemning that person to a dark, horrible, smelly fate.”

The spokesman added: “You think that guy with a picture of himself half-naked on the beach looks like a twat?

“Let’s see if you prefer seeing him starving in a filthy dungeon in a way that’s perfectly legal thanks to a loophole in the 2003 Communications Act.”

The spokesman said the only way to get someone out of the dungeon was to subscribe to Tinder Gold.