A DEPRESSED FHM reader has passed up the opportunity to ignite his anal gas, it has emerged.
27-year-old mobile phone salesman Julian Cook, whose favourite magazine has announced its closure, was among friends last night when he felt himself about to break wind.
He said: “I grabbed a lighter in preparation for the obligatory act of making a flame come out of my arse. I was like ‘Oi lads, check this out, flamethrower’.
“My mates stopped drinking American lager and playing war-type console games to watch the hilarity ensue.
“But then I just got this overwhelming feeling of sadness that the only thing in the world I enjoy reading doesn’t exist any more.
“I put down the lighter and clutched a cushion to my chest.”
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “One day in the far future, when the internet is just a picture of a nipple that you click on, FHM and Zoo will be seen as relics of an impossibly intellectual past civilisation.”