Fighting actually looks rubbish

ORDINARY people trying to fight each other don’t look cool like in films, it has been confirmed.

As Walthamstow erupted in an impromptu brawl, experts pointed out that real-life fighting people look weirdly like they are trying to hump each other.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “When you see famous actors fighting in a gratuitously violent family superhero film they look amazing.

“It’s like a ballet of brutality, all rippling muscles and perfectly-timed blows with a satisfying knock-out climax.

“But if you watch people fighting in real life, they’re just grabbing each other’s jumpers and going ‘you’re a wanker’ until they both fall over.”

19-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I had a fight last night and I must say it is surprisingly difficult.

“The punches weren’t having much effect and we soon ran out of breath because we are both massively unfit from playing console games all day.

“I suppose fighting is one of those things you have to do a lot to get good at, like chess or baking.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Don’t fight, you might get hurt and you will definitely end up looking like a dick.”

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BBC admits Bake Off is catastrophic social experiment

THE BBC has revealed The Great British Bake Off is an ‘enormously dangerous’, population-wide experiment.

As Bake Off ‘fever’ peaked in advance of this year’s final, the corporation admitted the programme was developed by behavioural specialists at the Institute for Studies.

Institute director, Professor Henry Brubaker, said: “While the BBC knew the ‘show’ would succeed, it wanted to know why on earth that would be the case, and how many series it would take to turn Britain into a mess of gibbering idiots.

“We assumed the answer to ‘why’ would be, ‘because people are easily pleased’, but we discovered that Bake Off has a multi-layered ‘Oedipal’ dynamic – ‘mummy in the kitchen, lovely cake is for me, not daddy, kill daddy, eat cake’.

“That’s very dangerous, especially when combined with the everlasting childlike wonder at seeing a big spoon.

“As for the number of series it would take, the answer was, ’20 minutes into the first episode’. At that point we begged the BBC to stop and they told us to go to hell.”

He added: “Mel and Sue are Cambridge Phd students and the contestants are all actors – Tamal Ray was in a Homebase advert. Meanwhile Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry are actually Dr Brian Roberts and Professor Margaret Goodfellow.

“They specialise in immersive sexual dream therapy.”