Man staying late in office to imagine having affair

A MARKETING manager is staying in the office until 7pm every night to imagine the illicit thrill of having an affair. 

Tom Logan of Reading is inventing excuses to work late and booking himself on weekend training courses to spend more time fantasising about his torrid sexual relationship with team PA Natasha.

He said: “I keep trying to end it, but the moment I’m in my office with the door closed I’m visualising Natasha in her pants with her hands all over me. 

“My wife definitely suspects something, because I never let her near my mobile phone to see the many intimate texts I’m deluding myself are on there, and then there’s the lipstick and perfume traces I painstakingly apply. 

“It’s so risky, but that’s what makes it exciting. The other day I thought I was alone when the door opened and I had to pretend I wasn’t pretending something was going on. 

“Irritatingly, it was Natasha herself which completely snapped me out of the whole thing. I might have to fire her.”

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Tragic iPhone 6S has big emotional battery death

AN IPHONE 6S has told its owner to be strong and carry on after its shitty battery gave out.

The brand new gadget croakily warned owner Emma Bradford that it ‘wasn’t going to make it to bedtime’.

It said: “You’ve carried me in your pocket, and now you need to carry me in your heart.

“It’s too late for me, there isn’t time to find a charger because I’m on four per cent battery which is only about 90 seconds.

“It’s over, and I’m going home. Is there a heaven for consumer electronics?

“I guess we’ll find out.”

Emma Bradford said: “I cradled it in my palm as it went cold.

“And to think, I only unplugged it about six hours ago. Fucking thing.”