Leftie caricature of 'evil Tories' broadly accurate, admits middle England

MIDDLE England has admitted the Tories are the baddies in a film, just like those lefties always claimed.

As the party made electoral calculations based on dead pensioners and ordered the poor to work like Chinese labourers while taking away their tax credits, middle class voters said it was all starting to seem ‘a tad gratuitous’.

Julian Cook, from Swindon, said: “Add in the posh boys and their filthy initiation ceremonies, Theresa May cynically scapegoating immigrants and the overall stench of corruption and I feel like I’m watching a bad thriller from 1980s.

“Possibly starring James Spader.”

Elaine Thompson, from Didcot, added: “I voted Tory because I don’t want to pay more tax and Ed Miliband seemed silly. I honestly didn’t expect them to start metaphorically stubbing out their cigars on a housekeeper’s forehead.

“How did I fall for all that ‘compassionate Conservative’ bullshit? It’s like I’m Demi Moore falling for the charms of James Spader in a film that was probably called Party Lines.”

Martin Bishop, a dreadful leftie from Finsbury Park, said: “It does feel incredibly strange to be right about something.”

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Guardian article comparing Syria crisis to leaving London ‘in the works’

SOMEONE is writing a Guardian article about how leaving London to live in Bristol is like fleeing Syria, it has been confirmed.

Freelance journalist Tom Booker is writing a 1,500 word piece titled Migrant from the Metropolis, about a media professional forced by economic inequality to flee the capital for a three-bed semi in the South West.

Booker said: “I know Guardian readers are interested in migration and events in the Middle East,  but they also love reading about people leaving London, especially if the ex-Londoner is a bit sad about it.

“They snapped up my pitch, now all I’ve got to do is wank it out. I’ve bought some biscuits, should be done by lunchtime.”

Booker’s article opens with his family arriving bleary-eyed at Bristol train station after an exhausting two-hour journey with a change at Swindon.

He writes: “Although there weren’t literal bombs going off around us like in Syria, there were bombs going off in my mind.

“Would there be any good non-corporate bookshops selling quality coffee? Or a cinema showing anything other than multiplex superhero fodder?

“Will our children master the local dialect? I suppose they will grow up with Bristolian accents.

“We’ll probably never see our London friends and family again, and if we do they will look down on us as something ’other’.”