Fintech, and other new words you don't understand and it's too late to ask

YOU only learned what ‘goblin mode’ is when pensioners did, and now everyone’s swapping new terminology and you’re nodding like a dickhead at these: 


You saw it, you assumed it had something to do with fish, you moved on. But now your brother-in-law’s got a job in it, and you’re in a cold sweat because you’re going to have to appreciate how impressive it is that he’s blockchained the cloud with AI learning.


You overheard your kids using it and made the error of asking ‘What’s wrong with being a simp? Surely it’s just a sympathetic person?’ Now every time you smile at your wife your son accuses you of ‘simping’ over her, and you can’t deny it because you have no f**king clue what you’d be denying.


It took a while before you realised that you already knew this one from when you did Chaucer at A-level in 1996. But how did cuckolding become so commonplace that it needed shortening? And how does a random bloke on the internet know you’ve been suspicious of your wife and her mate Tony for a while?


A word that’s yet to come up in your marriage, you get the principle of ‘poly’ – you’ve heard of Mormons – but a large group of sexually involved people living happily together is a folly of the young that you want nothing to do with. It’ll all end in seven-way acrimony like your student house.


Used as a verb, as in yeeting, but then everything gets f**king verbed nowadays. Kids are always saying ‘I’m going to Wednesday Addams that dancefloor’ and expecting you to know what it means. They usually seem to be yeeting things they dislike. But if you say ‘I’m yeeting this dog’ they’ll laugh at you.


And now everyone’s saying things are ‘mid’. Christmas was apparently ‘mid’, as was the Taylor Swift album, a recent night out you weren’t invited on, and a cheese-and-ham toastie from the work canteen. All those things are great, so ‘mid’ must be a superlative. Later on you describe yourself as ‘mid in bed’. It will be brought up for the rest of the year.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man cruising through Eat And Drink Whatever The F**k I Want January

A MAN is sailing through January because he has decided to eat and drink whatever takes his fancy, it has emerged. 

Oliver O’Connor is not slogging through a desert of January abstinence because he is following a strict diet of proper sausage rolls and at least three pints a day.

He said: “I’d given a diet of senseless gorging a trial run over Christmas and it suited me really well, so it made sense to continue in January. After that we’ll see how it goes.

“For breakfast I have a bacon buttie with extra bacon, lunch is usually a family-size bag of Doritos with a Lucozade, and dinner’s a takeaway or a full carvery roast if I fancy going out. I wash that down with ale or cider, then finish with a bong hit.

“I’ve told friends about my regime and they love the sound of it, so it could be the next big thing. This time next year everyone will be giving it a go. It’s amazing for your mental health.

Temporarily teetotal vegan friend Nikki Hollis said: “Wayne’s diet is appealing, but it’ll kill him in a matter of decades. While I get to endure a miserable life of self-restraint for far, far longer.”