Fireworks ceasefire agreed

BRITAIN’S explosion enthusiasts have agreed to halt bombardment until New Year’s Eve. 

After weeks of heavy shelling from back gardens across the country, the loose affiliation of anally-retentive dads and cocky adolescent bastards has agreed to stop for the next eight weeks and allow cat owners the chance to let their pets outside.

Slightly odd father-of-two Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve got enough ordinance in my shed to see off a tank battalion but I’ll lay off for a while unless somebody invents a new religious festival in the next few weeks.

“It’s a shame as I’d just laid my hands on a box of naval flares.”

Under the terms of the ceasefire, sparklers and party poppers are still allowed but dicking around with Coke bottles full of Mentos would be considered an act of war.