First-time buyers advised to not bother

ANYONE struggling to buy a house has been advised to give the whole nightmare as wide a berth as possible.

Rising house prices and stricter lending criteria mean that tens of thousands may never know the abject misery of being chained to a mortgage for the next 25 years.

Property expert Carolyn Ryan said: “Imagine seeing on the news that banks had decided to raise their interest rates and not giving the slightest shit about it. That was all of us, once.

“Unfortunately, if you were foolish enough to believe the hype, you’re now the proud owner of a house you don’t want, somewhere you don’t want to live, with someone you don’t want to live with.

“But at least your family can sell it to pay for your care when you’re old.”

Homeowner Joseph Turner said: “People moan about renting from landlords who don’t want to spend a penny on maintaining a dilapidated property as it falls down around them.

“But when you buy a house, you are that landlord. The heating breaks? It’s your problem. The roof leaks? Your problem. You cannot imagine the depths of my self-loathing.

“Certainly you’re free to paint the walls purple, though. If that’s your idea of a good time, go on and buy a fucking house.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Budget just a picture of a skull and crossbones

PHILIP Hammond has revealed that his Budget is just a picture of a skull and crossbones.

The Budget, which people had hoped would contain more money for the NHS and housing, is considered somewhat of a let down by everyone except prominent Tories and pirates.

Long-term pirate ship captain Norman ‘Keel-Haul’ Steele said: “As a lifelong Tory voter and vicious barbarian of the sea, this Budget really appeals to me.

“Some people may complain but that’s because they don’t have a long boat and 12 strong seaman that they can use to invade foreign lands then steal all their gold and precious minerals.

“I mean, what use is the NHS going to be to me when I’m blasting a small Caribbean island with massive cannons?

“Which is a point Jacob Rees-Mogg made to me only yesterday.”