First-time buyers’ definition of London now includes Coventry

A COUPLE looking to purchase their first home are claiming that Coventry is an up-and-coming part of the metropolitan area.

Professionals Tom and Clare Logan began looking for a home around Brixton and Herne Hill, but quickly widened their search to include Dulwich, Bromley, Maidstone and Canterbury.

Tom Logan said: “Affordable properties are thin on the ground so we’ve found it easier to redefine the boundaries of Greater London than find somewhere to live.

“I can’t believe none of the hipsters have discovered Coventry. It’s almost like a little city to itself but only 58 minutes from Euston on the train.”

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I never knew there even was a Zone 36, let alone that places were so affordable there.

“Apparently they’re considering a lovely place in coastal London, with sea views and everything, in the middle of a vibrant Welsh-speaking community. I’ve never heard of Aberystwyth, or as they call it Extreme West Southall.”

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Daily Mash buys Financial Times

THE Daily Mash has confirmed it has bought the Financial Times for £1.2bn.

The website’s chief executive Tom Logan said the respected business newspaper was an ‘obvious fit’ and that the company had ‘exciting plans’ for its new acquisition.

He added: “We’re going to change the name of it to ‘The Paper for Twats’.”

Under the terms of the deal the FT will move from its current offices in central London to the Daily Mash’s new, multi-million pound HQ near Stroud, complete with a funky, organic canteen and huge quantities of diazepam.

Logan also revealed that the deal has been funded by a group of investment banks who had been told ‘some fairly massive lies’.

“People who work in finance really are a bunch of fucking idiots. No wonder they all read the Financial Times.”