Sunday, 16th May 2021

Five entirely innocuous things gammons hate

WHEN even a Swedish teenager in a fleece drives you into a frothing rage, you know you’re easily triggered. But what else do gammons hate? 

Any coffee more complicated than instant

Whether cappuchino or machiatto, any coffee that costs over a quid a cup is an attack on their way of life by metropolitan luvvie remoaners. They believe everyone should get back on reflux-inducing value-brand instant, because drinking coffee for the taste is dangerously continental.


Never is a pathological lack of understanding of the tax system more obvious than when gammons rant about cyclists. These freeloaders who don’t pay road tax are also a deadly menace on the pavements. Nothing do with once being forced to slow down behind one on a 500-yard trip to buy the Daily Mail.

Three teenagers on phones

Any gathering of more than two teenagers is a gang, and any gang is high on super-skunk and intent on violence against the old. Decades of dimly-remembered fear campaigns against happy-slappers, ravers, punks, bikers, hippies, and Teddy boys loom large in feverish imaginations.

Drinking water

To a gammon, medical advice about staying hydrated during a heatwave is fake news. Beer and tea all day is the way to go. But as the mercury passes 30, they’ll stand up too quickly, go dizzy, fall over and suffer fatal head injuries. It doesn’t matter though, because living past 70 ‘isn’t nature’s way’.

Independent thought

Contradicting the prime minister, especially if it’s a Tory one, hits gammons right in the fight-or-flight reactions. How could you? Don’t you know he’s been elected? Are you against democracy? What if everyone were to stop believing what they read in the right-wing press? What then?