Friday, 14th May 2021

Five excruciatingly embarrassing ways to be a cool parent

NOT ready to accept your role as uncool? Think your kids like it when you talk about your love of Drake in front of their mates? They don’t. Nor do they like these things: 

Drinking alcohol with you

Smug middle-class parents like to give their children a small amount of Shiraz at dinner, like French people do. What you don’t know is that your kids refuse it and say ‘wine’s horrible’ while you chuckle smugly because they’re chugging a litre of WKD Blue with their mates later instead.

Pretending you like their music

Popping on a bit of Roddy Ricch or Chief Keef when you’re giving your kids and their mates a lift to town will make them shudder with embarrassment, especially when you attempt to rap along. And they’re well aware you put The Joshua Tree back on the second they get out of the car.

Talking about drugs

Hey, kids need to know about drugs, and coincidentally casually chatting about the time you took an E at Glastonbury in 1998 makes you sound incredibly cool. However, this will make your teenager at first abstain from drugs so as not to end up like you, then get into pure MDMA from the darknet to outpace you.

Encouraging their girlfriend or boyfriend to stay over

While it’s good to be happy that your child has met someone they like, actively encouraging them to stay the night is a bit weird. You’re kind of encouraging them to have sex which is weird and uncomfortable for everyone. Bonus: it’s actually no less creepy if they’re gay! That’s equality and acceptance for you.

Telling them exams don’t matter

Claiming you dropped out of school with no O-levels and learned everything you know at the university of life might sound good to your ears, but have you met kids these days? They’ve already monetised their Twitch stream, planned out their post-grad qualifications and career progression, expect to retire at 50 and think you’re a massive loser.