Monday, 10th May 2021

That wanker Gove's next in line, Britain realises

WORRIED Britons have realised that current attacks on Boris Johnson could be a prelude to even worse wanker Michael Gove replacing him. 

The media’s sudden lack of support for Johnson, and Gove’s smirking contortions in half-hearted defence of the prime minister, has reminded the country that a very depressing power struggle is going on.

Tom Logan said: “That Johnson bodies remark? Usually they’d laugh it off, and print some bollocks about Prince Louis wearing long trousers instead.

“But now they’re treating it as if it’s a stupid, callous, sociopathic thing to say, and asking questions about corruption too. Either they’ve opened a dusty desk drawer and discovered a moral compass or there’s a Gove coup gearing up.

“I’d be glad to see the back of Johnson. He’s shit. But I don’t think I could bear that smug little stop-motion goblin Gove as PM. I’d have to smash my telly or do myself in.”

Donna Sheridan said: “Johnson’s a pompous, arrogant twat, but he plays it for laughs. Gove’s pompous, arrogant but plays it like the evil, scheming grand vizier in a pantomime. It’s like deciding whether you want irritable bowel syndrome or frequent migraines.

“Shit, I’ve just realised Sarah Vine will be constantly wanking on about being the prime minister’s wife. On reflection, all the bodies-piled-high stuff is fine by me.”