Five incredibly stupid opinions that will get you a standing ovation in the pub

DO you fancy being being popular down the pub by spouting idiotic crowd-pleasing opinions? Here are some great ones to try.

All coppers are on the take
Yes, there’s police corruption, but are they all busily taking small bribes from drunk drivers and low-level drug dealers? To make a modest profit but lose their pensions or end up in prison? It’s twaddle, but people are sure to buy you a few drinks. Cheers!

Science does not understand the weather
Based on the ‘logic’ that if ‘scientists’ couldn’t predict it was going to rain on Tuesday, all climate science must be b*llocks. Always popular with pub-going global warming deniers, and so will probably earn you a bag of crisps as well.

You can’t prove ghosts don’t exist
Also applies to: telepathy, UFOs, God, bigfoot and fairies. Say it as though it’s the last word on the subject, then sit back and sup your pint like some sort of wise man. People really like to believe in this stuff, so only the occasional smart*rse will say the onus is on you to provide evidence. 

Britain is full
It’s not, really, is it? There’s loads of space. Maybe a sensible, integrated house-building and transport policy could regenerate some areas, and… oh. Hang on. You really just mean ‘We don’t like immigrants’. Still, it’s worth at least three free drinks.

All ice cream vans sell drugs
Or any highly unlikely popular myth. Don’t bother actually thinking this through, eg. why isn’t every ice cream van mobbed with stoners? Just spout your nonsense safe in the knowledge that your gullible audience will be getting the drinks in.

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Are you a Remoaner or do you just not fancy years of unnecessary b*llocks?

SOMETIMES it’s hard to tell if you’re the sort of whiny Remoaner that Brexiters hate or if you just prefer logic and stability over years of unnecessary horsesh*t. Take our test and find out.

What is it about Brexit you are against?

A) I just don’t like being on the losing side.

B) I think it’s the slight problem that everything about it is insane on every possible level.

Do you take offence at the term ‘Remoaner’?

A) Yes, but calling someone a ‘gammon’ is fine.

B) No, but I do take offence at putting ourselves through years of unnecessary grief because half the country seems to have gone bonkers over made-up problems like foreigners stealing our fish.

What could solve Brexit?

A) A music festival. It solved hunger in Africa so it’s got to be worth a try. Also I could paint my face blue with gold stars and wave a flag. That’s fun.

B) At risk of sounding like a lunatic, maybe just cancel it or have another vote? But apparently that’s ‘undemocratic’, according to people who also don’t seem to understand the word ‘traitor’.

Are you completely in love with the EU?

A) Yes. I have posters of Michel Barnier and Donald Tusk on my bedroom wall. Sometimes I kiss them.

B) I don’t think it’s possible to be ‘in love’ with a huge multinational trading bloc, unless you have a very weird idea of what’s romantic. Also how would you have sex?

Mostly As. You are a cowardly Remoaner who is totally blind to the EU’s faults. Luckily you are mostly a figment of Brexiters’ fevered imaginations. 

Mostly Bs. You are strangely opposed to unnecessary b*llocks. Get ready for a tough time, because even if Brexit gets cancelled the proper nutters will still be banging on about the ‘EU mafia’ and Atlantic convoys for years to come.