Friday, 4th December 2020

Five incredibly stupid opinions that will get you a standing ovation in the pub

DO you fancy being being popular down the pub by spouting idiotic crowd-pleasing opinions? Here are some great ones to try.

All coppers are on the take
Yes, there’s police corruption, but are they all busily taking small bribes from drunk drivers and low-level drug dealers? To make a modest profit but lose their pensions or end up in prison? It’s twaddle, but people are sure to buy you a few drinks. Cheers!

Science does not understand the weather
Based on the ‘logic’ that if ‘scientists’ couldn’t predict it was going to rain on Tuesday, all climate science must be b*llocks. Always popular with pub-going global warming deniers, and so will probably earn you a bag of crisps as well.

You can’t prove ghosts don’t exist
Also applies to: telepathy, UFOs, God, bigfoot and fairies. Say it as though it’s the last word on the subject, then sit back and sup your pint like some sort of wise man. People really like to believe in this stuff, so only the occasional smart*rse will say the onus is on you to provide evidence. 

Britain is full
It’s not, really, is it? There’s loads of space. Maybe a sensible, integrated house-building and transport policy could regenerate some areas, and… oh. Hang on. You really just mean ‘We don’t like immigrants’. Still, it’s worth at least three free drinks.

All ice cream vans sell drugs
Or any highly unlikely popular myth. Don’t bother actually thinking this through, eg. why isn’t every ice cream van mobbed with stoners? Just spout your nonsense safe in the knowledge that your gullible audience will be getting the drinks in.