Five middle-class household items your children can bang for the NHS

EVERYONE can clap for the NHS on a Thursday, but how can you show your middle-class support is that bit more select? By banging these: 

Le Creuset casserole dish

Pots and pans, yes, but let the neighbours know you’re a kitchenware snob with your cast-iron Le Creuset, banged on with an acacia wooden spoon. But hover close to make sure your child doesn’t drop it or that’s a bothersome trip to A&E.

Electric salt and pepper mills

Make a lovely grinding sound with these chrome mills you treated yourself to at John Lewis last Christmas. At £45 each, they’ll show everyone that you have more money than sense and make their wrists ache with envy.

‘The Rutshire Chronicles’ by Jilly Cooper

When slapped, a Jilly Cooper novel will not only resonate down your street, but will also resonate in the hearts of thousands of privately-educated boarding-school girls across the nation. Oh, Rupert Campbell-Black. You wonderfully English rogue.

Cordless Dyson

A cordless Dyson is the ultimate household power symbol, and you’ve got two. Wave one in each hand, reminding all spectators that you support the company who made the ventilators to save the very people you’re clapping. Though they didn’t make any in the end.

Their musical instruments

All of your four children plays an instrument in an orchestra. Get them out two minutes early to play a cacophonous version of Nearer My God To Thee, then pretend all the clapping’s for Ruby’s clarinet fingering.

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'Hope you enjoyed your free lunch, scroungers,' says Rishi Sunak

THE chancellor has wished freeloaders all the best as he cuts off their handout for lounging around at home not getting COVID-19. 

Rishi Sunak informed workers that the job retention scheme has been real, but the party is over and it is past time layabouts got off their fat arses and back to work. 

He continued: “Want to be a bunch of state aid addicts, or do you want to regain some self-f**king respect? 

“I’ve run the numbers and wage subsidies are costing us billions, so you filthy moochers get dressed, get your feet back under your desks and support the economy.

“You may think of yourselves as prosperous middle-managers and business owners forced home by a pandemic, but to me you’re nothing but dole scum. 

“We’re tapering your payments, stopping answering calls and sanctioning you for either not attending back-to-work assessments or for breaking lockdown to attend them. The cash tap is firmly off. 

“Yeah. I’m a Tory. Deal with it.”