Saturday, 30th May 2020

Five middle-class household items your children can bang for the NHS

EVERYONE can clap for the NHS on a Thursday, but how can you show your middle-class support is that bit more select? By banging these: 

Le Creuset casserole dish

Pots and pans, yes, but let the neighbours know you’re a kitchenware snob with your cast-iron Le Creuset, banged on with an acacia wooden spoon. But hover close to make sure your child doesn’t drop it or that’s a bothersome trip to A&E.

Electric salt and pepper mills

Make a lovely grinding sound with these chrome mills you treated yourself to at John Lewis last Christmas. At £45 each, they’ll show everyone that you have more money than sense and make their wrists ache with envy.

‘The Rutshire Chronicles’ by Jilly Cooper

When slapped, a Jilly Cooper novel will not only resonate down your street, but will also resonate in the hearts of thousands of privately-educated boarding-school girls across the nation. Oh, Rupert Campbell-Black. You wonderfully English rogue.

Cordless Dyson

A cordless Dyson is the ultimate household power symbol, and you’ve got two. Wave one in each hand, reminding all spectators that you support the company who made the ventilators to save the very people you’re clapping. Though they didn’t make any in the end.

Their musical instruments

All of your four children plays an instrument in an orchestra. Get them out two minutes early to play a cacophonous version of Nearer My God To Thee, then pretend all the clapping’s for Ruby’s clarinet fingering.