THERE are many important reasons to sound your car horn, even if you’re in a quiet residential area, and all of them are linked to being an arsehole. These are the top five:
Because you’re a prick and the car ahead is slow
The car immediately ahead of you is driving at the speed limit or, intolerably, up to 2mph slower. This may add seconds to your journey time. You are, therefore, fully justified in beeping your horn but only after checking in the mirror and seeing a total wanker staring back at you.
Because you’re a prick in traffic
A queue of cars stretches off into the distance. The road ahead on your in-built satnav in your company knobhead Audi is all red. Everyone around you is, clearly and indisputably, stuck in the same traffic and powerless to progress or change their situation. This is an ideal opportunity to lean on the horn and demonstrate what a twat you are.
Because you’re a prick in an unforeseen sitation
Ahead of you on a narrow street, a car has unexpectedly slowed to a halt with its hazard lights on. The driver has looked under the bonnet and now, with the help of passers-by, is pushing the car forward and out of the roadway. As a bellend, you must consider this to be a wilful and deliberate obstruction. Honk away.
Because you’re a prick to pedestrians
The horn isn’t just a signal to other motorist. If a pedestrian is on a zebra crossing – a section of highway you have paid road tax for and they haven’t, and which you stop at only as a courtesy – then a good few beeps will remind them of their lowly status, speed their crossing and leaving them in no doubt as to your status as a complete tool.
Because you’re a prick at night
It’s 2am, your street is quiet and all your neighbours are asleep, but you’ve still got a car horn and you’re still a prick. Beep beep!
