Five things dickheads say instead of 'please'

COMMON courtesy costs nothing, but some people prefer the pathetic ego trip of throwing their weight around. Here are the pseudo-insults they mistake for ‘please’.

A question

This is basically saying: ‘Are you a dense bastard who doesn’t understand my simple demand?’ Why say please when you can rudely say: ‘Bacon butty, yeah?’ followed by ‘Ketchup too, K?’ The person behind the counter is now morally entitled to add their own personal sauce to the order.

Implying you’ve got a bad attitude

Office dicks love feeling superior by vaguely suggesting their minions are deliberately avoiding work, eg. ‘Can you do X – if you can spare a minute?’ or ‘… if that’s not too much trouble?’ Just say: ‘I will, if you can spare the time to say, please?’ You’ll sound like a dick too but it will annoy them more, so that’s fine.

An urgent deadline

You can spot an Alpha prick because their demand is absolutely urgent, expressed in self-aggrandising bullshit like ‘Skinny macchiato. To go, yesterday.’ However you know they’re not about to sign off a multi-billion dollar deal, they’re a wanker estate agent who’s late to show someone a crap semi with bedrooms that struggle to accommodate anyone larger than an Ewok.  

A term of endearment

Using a term like ‘darling’ in a patronising way at the end of a request is not a valid substitute for ‘please’. Interrogating a supermarket assistant with: “Hey you, where’s the Anusol, sweetheart?’ should rightfully see you guided towards tubes of industrial strength chilli paste. 

A sarcastic ‘please’

Always performed to impress a group of sycophants. Making the ‘please’ somehow ironic suggests the person being spoken to is in a position of false superiority with, for example, their fancy barista job. You could try your own sarcasm, like ‘Yes, your majesty’ but they’re such a knob they’ll think they’re winning a battle of the wits, so don’t rise to the bait and maturely gob in their coffee instead.

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Why I pay far, far less tax than you, by Rishi Sunak

CONFUSED as to why multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak pays proportionately less tax than you? Here the prime minister explains why this actually makes total sense.

I’m the prime minister

Sure, it sounds impressive, but the job doesn’t pay that much. That’s why they sweeten the deal by throwing in all those workplace bonuses like a pokey old flat to live in and jollies to Ukraine. I’d be far better off being a hedge fund manager or married to a billionaire. And I should know because I’ve done both those things and made a packet in the process.

I have a US investment fund

This nice little earner is how I make most of my money. And because capital gains are lightly taxed, most of the dosh goes straight into my pocket. Frankly I’m surprised more people don’t give it a whirl! Overseas investments definitely pay better than a real job where you actually contribute to society, although don’t quote me on that because I’m not speaking from experience. 

I know how to play the game

I’ve been in the money racket for decades. I cut my teeth at Goldman Sachs. So I’m bound to have picked up a few sneaky money-saving tips in the process. You’d use them yourselves if you were in a position to, so don’t be hypocrites by getting all angry at me. Hate the game, not the player. And that’s what I am – a player.

Tax is inherently f**ked up

The pittance I’ve forked out over the years is the tip of the iceberg. HMRC will come down hard on a poor child minder who filed their tax return a day late, yet the likes of Google and Apple are free to get away with paying f**k all. Why not focus on these mega-rich corporations instead of my small-fry tax, which doesn’t even make it into the millions?

I’m really, really rich

I pay less tax because I already have enough money in the bank to last several lifetimes. That makes no sense but it’s how the world works. Yes, I could easily adjust the rules to make taxes fairer for people barely making ends meet, but I won’t. I like to feel like a winner, and that’s not easy for me, apart from my impressive collection of over 20 replica lightsabers.