Five ways to avoid swearing in front of your f**king annoying kids

DO you struggle to get through a whole day with your children without dropping the F-bomb on the little shits? Follow our guide and be the perfect parent you thought you’d be before you had kids.

Swear behind them instead

A covert middle finger behind the unsuspecting back of a child who is being a dick at the dinner table provides all the satisfaction of yelling “Eat the fucking peas!” without the stress of worrying they’ll repeat it at school.

Use innocent phrases while ‘thinking in swear’

Try saying “In a minute” while thinking “Piss off”, or “We’ll see” while mentally shouting “No fucking way!”. “You little monkey” is also a great substitute for “Stop fucking doing that, you bastard”.

Don’t take them to the soft play centre

A trip to the soft play centre will test the will of even the most clean-speaking of parents. The moment you find yourself clambering shoeless up some sticky foam stairs to rescue your kid from the top of the slide for the fuckteenth time you’ll be swearing like a potty-mouthed Mary Poppins.

Find yourself a ‘swear hole’

If your kids are being particularly annoying, create your own soundproof ‘swear hole’. Every time you feel a bad word coming on, simply stick your head in the washing machine drum, microwave or down the toilet and let the expletives pour out harmlessly.

Wear a motorcycle helmet at all times

This should muffle any swearing, with the slight drawback of looking incredibly strange. But let’s face it, you have kids and this may be the only way to guarantee you never swear in front of them.

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Boyfriend accused of not taking ghost tour seriously

A WOMAN is deeply disappointed in her boyfriend for not treating a ghost tour in London with the seriousness it deserved.

Nikki Hollis felt Martin Bishop had a disrespectful attitude toward the clearly true anecdotal accounts of paranormal events passed down through the centuries by reputable storytellers.

Hollis said: “Martin said it was ‘All a bit daft’ and kept going ‘Wooo!’. That’s no way to behave during a serious historical lecture about the ghost cat of Wimpole Street.

“He could have upset dark forces we don’t understand. If the Headless Lady of Bermondsey – who is probably Anne Boleyn – kills him in his sleep he’ll have no one to blame but himself.

“He takes the piss out of reincarnation and Brexit too. Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is going to work.”

Bishop said: “Everyone knows ghost tours are bollocks. It’s not like a pissed-off ghost is going to follow you back from London and suddenly appear in your flat, as Nikki suggested.

“They couldn’t do that, could they? Could they? I might sleep with the light on tonight just to be on the safe side.”