F**king five-year-old wants f**king iPad for Christmas

A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.

Five-year-old Joseph Turner, who should be playing with a wooden trainset, has instead demanded the market-leading tablet computer not possessed by many adults.

Joanna Kramer of Watford said: “He wants an iPad? I want a fucking iPad.

“Unfortunately I have mortgages and car loans to pay, so guess whose chimney Santa won’t be dropping an iPad, an iPad Mini, some shitty Android thing or even a Kindle cocking Fire down this year.

“Enjoy your bastard iPad, you junior dick. Hope you don’t drop it.”

The entitled little shit, who has lied that the device would be educational and teach him to play the piano, looks likely to actually get a perfectly good iPad that should go to a grown-up.

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “Have you heard his mum and dad? ‘Well it’s what he wants.’ Of course it’s what he fucking wants, it doesn’t mean he should get it.

“What happened to getting a Stretch Armstrong and some book about spotting garden birds so you appreciate having your own money to spend when you’re older?”

The nation’s only consolation is that the child will be one of those who runs his parents up a £6,000 bill on in-app purchases.

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For future reference, I like sexy vampire movies, says Kim Jong Un

KIM Jong Un has told Hollywood to stick to sexually attractive vampires or he will have everyone killed.

The fat little dictator said he was a huge fan of Twilight, Trueblood and The Hunger, starring Catherine Deneuve, adding: “Just do that now.”

In a statement read out by a terrified North Korean newsreader, Kim said: “I used to like Steven Spielberg but I’ve gone off him, so please have him publicly executed in the manner of your choosing.

“I much admire The West Wing – Jed Bartlet is my role model and so Aaron Sorkin will write 200 new Twilight scripts. Each will be better than the last or death will come in the form of a bear.

“And Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will rekindle their romance so as to increase my enjoyment of the films. They are both healthy and attractive and the thought of their intercourse will please me.”

A spokesman for Sony Pictures said: “We have no choice but to obey. He is the President of North Korea and therefore completely invincible.”