Prescription drugs cause liberal outburst

A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.

Blue one for love, red ones for hate

Tom Booker, 47, from Chelmsford shocked bigoted friends at a lunchtime drinking session with a plea for racial and sexual tolerance.

Fellow bastard Roy Hobbs said: “One minute Tom was his usual self, ranting incoherently about how the local council are giving Slovaks free Range Rovers and lesbians spread Ebola.

“The next he was mounting a well-reasoned defence of EU freedom of movement policy backed up by verifiable financial data, not just stuff he had heard off a bloke at work.”

Booker said: “People who know me will confirm that comments such as ‘The LGBT community has contributed an inestimable amount to the culture of Great Britain’, and ‘Dr King’s appeal for integration is something with which no right-thinking person can disagree’ are totally out of character.

“I have been taking morphine-based tablets for a hernia and this has plainly created an imbalance in the part of my brain that foments irrational prejudice.’

“People who heard these outbursts will think I am a tolerant, humane man. To these individuals I offer profuse apologies.”

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McCoist doomed to be Rangers manager for all eternity

AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.

An emotional McCoist handed in his notice only to be informed by grinning colleagues that he’d received a pay rise and a better parking space.

He said: “It was always going to be a very tough decision to quit the club I love, but I presumed it would be tough emotionally not logistically.

“I’ve tried being Rangers manager and I’ve tried not being Rangers manager and the two things are essentially the same.

“Even death will be no escape, they will find a way to trap my spirit in a jar.”