Woman’s arty gift shop is a shrine to pointlessness

THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so fucking irrelevant.

35-year-old Susan Traherne’s shop ‘Beeswax’ sells beads, enamel mugs with animals on, wooden board games and a host of other hand-made tat.

It also carries special stationary, lovely pencils and expensively-produced magazines with Maggie Gyllenhaal on the cover.

She said: “I thought I was creating a little cocoon of quasi-pastoral niceness that would promote local craftspeople while also bringing joy to customers who like nice things.

“But actually it’s just a load of fucking wank.”

Picking up a box of retro-style badges with images of 70s kids TV presenters on them, Traherne said: “Shit, shit, shit.”

Throwing the box across the room, she picked up a hat stand used to display knitted beanie hats and brandished it like a weapon.

She said: “Nobody else comes in here. I’m getting some cardboard together in a heap and then I’m going to burn it down.”

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I've been thinking I should adopt Kim Jong-un

Dear Holly,

I’ve been thinking I should adopt Kim Jong-un. His fat little orphan face would fit nicely into my rainbow family. Plus he’s totally bat-shit and has the U.S. film industry at his mercy so he’d fit right in with us. I just worry he might be a bit grabby with the twins’ Lego; do you think he’d respond to the naughty step?

Angelina Jolie


Dear Angelina,

At my school we don’t have the naughty table or the naughty wall anymore, because our new teacher, Mrs Kenworthy says we only label positive behaviour. Mrs Kenworthy just completed her postgraduate certificate in education and she still has a spring in her step and a hopeful light in her eyes. We’ve got a sweepstake running and I’ve put two weeks’ pocket money on the chokey being reinstated by February.

Hope that helps!