Flying Scotsman harks back to ‘golden age’ before all this internet bullshit

THE return of the Flying Scotsman has reminded Britain of a simpler time before the internet ruined everything.

As the majestic steam engine took to the rails once more, the country remembered that it used to create proper things, instead of just a stream of worthless, ill-informed opinions.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Back then proper people would get on proper trains, read a proper newspaper and mind their own business.

“If they had an opinion they might write a letter to a newspaper using actual sentences and sign it with their real name.

“They spent quality time with their friends and family with whom they would share their experiences, rather than printing a load of leaflets about themselves and handing them out to strangers on the high street.”

He added: “Sadly, the return of the Flying Scotsman still failed to create as much excitement this week as Facebook introducing some little symbols to help you express your ‘feelings’ about some piece of shit on the internet.”

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Office Eurosceptic admits it has lost him friends

A EUROSCEPTIC has claimed that, like Michael Gove, he has seen strong friendships crumble because of his refusal to accept the diktats of Brussels. 

Denys Finch Hatton, an audit manager in a Worcester office supplies company, instigates conversations about the EU with everyone he meets but says surprisingly few can see beyond politics. 

He continued: “I eat on my own in the canteen. People stand rather than sit next to me on the train. 

“And all because they have no answer to my robust arguments about the EUSSR’s unelected dictatorship, which I don’t like to be interrupted until they’re finished. 

“There’s no reason why I couldn’t be friends with a brainwashed stooge of a technocratic regime in the pockets of big finance, but nobody’s willing to extend a hand across that political divide.”

However co-worker Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know about Europe but Denys creeps me out. He’s someone I can imagine doing a bad thing on a bus.”

Finch Hatton said: “I might write to Michael Gove and tell him I know how he feels and to stay strong in his convictions. 

“I don’t think I’d be friends with him, though. He’s got fish lips.”