Fresher dabbling in patois


A MIDDLE-CLASS fresher has admitted experimenting with a version of West Indian patois in an attempt to look cool.

University of Bristol undergraduate Stephen Malley has been using the phrase ‘wha’ gwarn’ when answering his phone in the Student Union bar.

Malley said: “I’m from Kent and that’s just how people speak in Kent.  It’s certainly how my sister addresses her pony Captain Stubbs, as in ‘wha’ gwarn my pony’.”

Malley also addresses his housemates as his ‘bredrin’ and called their neighbour Norman Steele a ‘bludclot’ after he complained about the noise from Malley making dubstep tracks with the expensive studio equipment his mum bought him.

Norman Steele said: “That little shit said I was going to get ‘bad man beatdowns’, but when I grabbed him by the collar and told him to turn that fucking racket down he began to visibly shake and offered me money to leave him alone.

“It was the single most pathetic thing I have ever seen.”

However Malley said: “I don’t recall that, probably I was feeling too irie from smoking that sweet sensi weed.”

Malley’s housemate Mary Fisher said: “He does the patois thing all the time unless there is a black person in the room in which case he goes weirdly super-polite and almost shy.

“The street slang term I’d use to describe Stephen Malley is ‘bellend’.”