Fresher gets free condom that will stay in his wallet for next three years

A FRESHER has been given a free condom that will stay in his pocket throughout university.

18 year-old Wayne Hayes got the free contraceptive from a stall at his university’s Fresher’s Fair promoting safer sex, and does not realise that he will have the condom until it finally perishes.

Hayes said: “It’s really important to stay protected, especially as I expect to have quite a lot of sexual intercourse with women.

“I’m studying engineering and my main interests are role-playing games and manga, so I’ll probably meet lots of attractive like-minded girls in social clubs related to those activities.

“I’ve not actually had sex yet but I know about it from the internet. Apparently it’s great.”

Hayes, who will leave university in 2020 with his virginity fully intact, said: “As soon as I am confident enough to make eye contact with girls, I am going to start sowing my wild oats.

“That’s why it’s good to get a free condom, because otherwise I would probably be spending all my money on them and have nothing left for food.”

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Rooney sentenced to 100 hours of supporting Everton

WAYNE Rooney has been sentenced to 100 gruelling hours of supporting Everton.

After he was found guilty of drink driving, Judge Mary Fisher said that she felt it was in the public interest for her to impose the strongest possible sentence on the former England striker.

Judge Fisher said: “If I didn’t want to make an example, I might have just sentenced you to support Stoke City for a match or maybe Fulham for an away game in the North.

“But as it is, you will have to spend the next 100 hours watching Everton struggle in the Europa League whilst screaming at the TV screen, ‘Why the fuck didn’t we buy a new striker?’

“I think it is fair to say that supporting Everton is the grimmest and most fruitless task known to man.”

Representing Rooney, Martin Bishop QC added: “It’s a good thing he didn’t crash the car. Then he might have been sentenced to supporting West Ham, which should really come under the bracket of ‘cruel and unusual punishment.’”