Friday April 29, 2011: A time to clean the fridge

ACROSS the country, British people are readying themselves for a once-in-a-lifetime fridge-cleaning moment.

There are few occasions in an everyday working person’s existence when they seriously consider getting all the crud out of the fridge, putting the really rank stuff into a plastic bag, and then giving it a really thorough wipe down with a bottle of squirty cleaner.

Perhaps even removing the particularly scuzzy see-through drawers, and leaving them to soak in the sink.

For most of us, simply ordinary folk whose lives are seldom touched by mouldy onions and multiple jars of out-of-date curry paste, the days when doing all this seems appealing are very few, and so very far between.

But this Friday is one of those days.

It is a moment in history when a nation united by not being at work and a lack of normal television will stand up, chests inflated with pride, and say ‘I might as well have a go at the fridge. Does nan want a cup of tea while I’m up?’

Remember it well, that you might share with future generations the fond memory of its cleaning-based magic.

Plumber Stephen Malley, just an ordinary honest, working family man from Tunbridge Wells, said: “It’s funny, I never thought of fridge cleaning as something that was relevant to my life. I guess you’d call me a white goods hygiene refusenik.

“But there’s something unique and very special about this Friday that has spoken to me on a very human level and made me go and buy some scourers.”

He continued: “I will remove items including the mozzarella ball I bought nine months ago with the vague aspiration of making a nice salad, the old leeks that are starting to decompose, and the tub of Utterly Butterly that for some reason no one has ever thrown away despite it very evidently being empty.

“I will do this, and then I will use hot water and chemicals to make the inside of the fridge good again.

“And I will feel proud.”

He added: “I might even have a go at the oven.”



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Carroll to face late homoeroticism test

KENNY Dalglish has confirmed that Andy Carroll is still not a certainty to face a sea of confused-feeling Geordies this Sunday.

The shire-striker left Newcastle for £35M in the January transfer window, in a deal that made thousands of potbellied men feel upset in a way they could neither adequately define nor express publicly.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said “Many Newcastle fans will have felt betrayed and jilted by his departure, followed by the awkward need to do some DIY immediately to stop their stomach churning in quite so disconcerting a fashion.

“Seeing him run out in a Liverpool shirt will be like watching the mother of their kids walk into their local pub wearing a coat some other bloke bought them.

“This is assuming their ex is six foot three and built like a tattooed wardrobe made out of meat, but given they’re from Newcastle I think that’s a fair assumption.”

Carroll will be put through through some light man-crush training today by listening to a group of heterosexual men discuss how much they like the programmes of Professor Brian Cox.

If he comes through unscathed, Carroll will be more rigorously tested by sitting in a crowd of football fans watching slow-motion footage of Fernando Torres exchanging shirts at the end of a match to a soundtrack of Donna Summer’s Love To Love You Baby.

Hayes said “It’s easy to put this down to working-class men mistaking affection for complicated sexual feelings when a player leaves, but if they felt this way when Peter Beardsley left, something’s definitely wrong here.”