MILLIONS of Playstation users are in turmoil after it emerged that the console had stolen huge chunks of their existences.
The mass realisation happened during an outage in the Playstation Network, when many players discovered that they had been seated in front of a screen holding a piece of plastic for over a decade, with the curtains drawn.
Technology journalist Tom Logan said: “People bought the machine without realising that unscrupulous games designers had gotten into the software and made it really, savagely compelling for their own nefarious ends.
“When I try to recall my recent history since getting the Playstation, all I get is a single static image of Snake from Metal Gear Solid looking cool, sort of a mental test card.
“It’s as if the machine just hoovered up a big chunk of my existence, like some electronic vampire that feeds on the human soul.
“When I look at it, it actually appears bloated and tick-like, bulging as it struggles to digest my wasted years.”
Sales administrator Nikki Hollis said: “All I know is that I bought Guitar Hero II and suddenly I was no longer a young and attractive woman.
“What worries me is what the Playstation intends to do with the chunk of my being that it has stolen.
“Perhaps it will use that fragment of my essence to create a more attractive computerised version of myself, a bit like in Weird Science, that will strangle me when I sleep and then have amazing sex with my husband.”