Most people love pets. They buy them for company, for something to cuddle or in the case of my friend Ed to prove that lizards are harder than rats.
I’ve had a terrible fear of animals since I woke up as an 11-year-old to see an un-tethered ghost horse in my bedroom. Although, when I turned the light on, it became apparent it was just my Midland Griffin Savers sports bag hanging on the wall. In the darkness it looked convincingly like a sinister equine apparition. Despite my fear of any creature that doesn’t wear shoes or have conversational French, I learnt that animals can be hugely useful power tools. I’m not talking about people in crisis weeping on lamas, I’m talking about manifesting extreme business and personal success through acquiring beasts of various shapes, sizes and abilities.
The story of Jonny Z and Tommy Z perfectly illustrates the huge power that can be derived from the smallest of animals. Jonny and Tommy are identical twins, personal trainers and close friends. Despite having had excellent muscle definition for years they couldn’t get investment for their workout concept – T.W.I.N.S: Total Workout In Nine Stages. I suggested it was to do with them only being able to come up with seven stages. I also insisted getting to the gym and showering could not be considered a stage. They still disagree.
They believed that their good looks and physical presence intimidated potential investors. As a fellow alpha male I knew they were onto something, and I admitted to them my first thought when I initially met them wasn’t ‘are they a potential investment opportunity’, but could I take them in a fight. I truly believe that, one on one in the right conditions and assuming we were both barefoot, I could take out Jonny.
The twins had to be softened, made more approachable and it was actually my wife Paew Pang who suggested Jonny carry a mouse in the front pocket of his hooded top. The mouse worked like magic, it was an icebreaker and financially it was extremely low maintenance. The average business mouse only needs 1.3 Protein Plus Power Bars a month. The little mouse made two overly confident and muscled men extremely likable, but be warned mice defecate and urinate at random so keep them off paperwork, laptops and mobile phones despite how insanely cute it looks.
Different animals can be repurposed for different functions, for example if you’re looking to gain attention in a high level business meeting, turtles always kill in the boardroom. For love or romance try furrier beasts like a muntjac or caterpillar and if you’re having problems with an overly competitive colleague a Mongolian death worm in a briefcase rarely fails.
Dr Morris O’Conner is the best selling author of Business Beasts: A Guide To Animals You Can Legally Take Into Meetings.