Friend claiming to be 'five minutes away' such a f**king liar

A WOMAN was ‘five minutes away’ for an hour and a half, it has emerged. 

Susan Traherne was due to meet friend Mary Fisher for a quick coffee and catch up, but began to deviate from the plan with a text claiming she was ‘running a few minutes late’.

Fisher said: “When Susan said she’d be five minutes, I ordered her a coffee. I was just about to give it to a homeless person when she called for a third time to mention ‘five minutes’ yet again and being ‘just around the corner I swear’.

“I know my friend would never deliberately lie to me, so there has to be another explanation. Maybe she’s counting in dog years? Or perhaps she stumbled into another dimension where time works differently?”

Traherne finally arrived almost 90 minutes later after ‘rushing to get there’ through ‘nightmare traffic’ despite having taken the tube. She had left home on time, pausing only for brief detour to New Look to try on that dress she saw online.

She said: “After my epic trek to see Mary, she stayed for about ten minutes and then said she ‘had to go’ because of ‘a hospital appointment’. Pretty fucking rude, right?

“Some people are so self-absorbed.”

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Everyone hating group of blokes in pub more than they have ever hated anything

ABSOLUTELY everybody loathes the loud group of uber-dicks who have settled right in the middle of the pub, it has emerged.

Spreading themselves across a large table and several stools, the pale-jeaned, Top Shop-shirted lads, who could be recruitment consultants or ‘property developers’, are treating normal lager like it is super-strength yelling fuel.

Although one of them just got on a table, there is no sense that they might start smashing up the pub. However in a way that is a shame because at least then the police would be called and they would all be hauled off to the cells.

Nikki Hollis, sitting with her friend trying to have a quiet drink for which she had just paid the thick end of ten pounds said: “What gets me is the constant, raucous guffawing.

“I think I’ve only laughed that hard twice in my life. Yet every ten seconds they bring the plaster from the ceiling with a collective belly laugh that makes me hate them with the heat of a million fresh-baked pasties.

“Anyway, I’m on a hen night next weekend. Believe me, we will be fighting fire with fire.”