YOUR friend’s new flat is nice, for London.
The former council property, which is a 24 minute walk from a Zone 5 tube station, is pleasant in terms of what is considered acceptable to Londoners who are not foreign millionaires.
The friend said: “Obviously it wasn’t cheap but it is London, and so to get a bed-sitting room, bathroom and a hallway is a real coup. Also there’s a window directly overlooking a stranger’s window.
“I mean you just don’t find that in London, not on a normal person’s budget. Forty other people put in sealed bids, I had to bribe the estate agent with cocaine and high quality chocolates.”
The flat’s other features include a lift that smells more strongly of piss than piss itself, and thin walls through which the neighbours can be heard at all times.
Your friend added: “Most people in London have got shitter flats than this.
“It’s fairly safe around here. I checked the murder rate online and it’s not one of the worst ones, for London.
“Overall, I’m really happy.