Friend's new girlfriend is against drugs

A MAN’S friends have been thrown into crisis after it emerged that his new girlfriend is ‘against drugs’.

Nathan Muir brought Emma Bradford to meet his mates in the pub, where the trouble began as one of them suggested going home for a smoke.

Muir immediately looked panicked and reassured Bradford that this was a reference to cigarettes or legal herbal tobacco substitutes.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “I cornered Nathan in the toilet and asked him why he was being weird. He simply said ‘she’s against drugs’.

“I think I just said, ‘oh’ then sorted of smiled as if that was not going to cause massive problems.”

It is still unclear why Bradford is against drugs, although maybe she is religious or one of her relatives is a smackhead or something.

Muir’s work friend Mary Fisher said: “We all pretended to be totally fine with it and to respect her choices, but pretty much all we do as a group is get stoned so clearly only one of us can have Nathan.

“If either or them so much as mentions the Alpha Course, this is war.”

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Trump claims Obama has been following him around since 1987

DONALD Trump has claimed Barack Obama has been stalking him for the last three decades.

In a series of heavily capitalised tweets, Trump said Obama’s obsession started when his predecessor sat behind him at a screening of Beverley Hills Cop II in 1987.

According to the tycoon, Obama can be spotted – in disguise – in the background of Trump’s appearances in Home Alone 2, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and an episode of Sex and the City from 1999 called The Man, the Myth, the Viagra.

Trump added: “I’ve always felt that someone was lurking nearby.

“He is totally obsessed with me – not the other way around. I think he wants to destroy me because he’s never launched a successful range of steaks like I have.”

White House staff have tried to calm him with a copper bracelet, telling him it is a ‘special Obama-repelling device that emits a frequency that can only be heard by Hawaiians of Kenyan ancestry’.