Furries demand celebrity spokesperson

THE ‘furry’ subculture, whose members dress as animals to have sex, have demanded a celebrity advocate for their lifestyle.

Furry community leaders released a shortlist including Phillip Schofield and Franz Ferdinand frontman Alex Kapranos, who they would like to campaign for understanding of their thing for dressing as football mascots but with open bits over the genitals.

A furry spokesman said: “Inside every man there’s a pulse of arousal whenever Cheetara from Thundercats slinks across the screen or Miss Piggy bends over in a tight dress.

“But sadly, because we have no celebrity representation, our conversations about how dirty Romy from Willy Fog is will remain behind closed doors.

“If we could get, for example, Anton du Beke to talk about dressing as a big sexy squirrel to shag his wife in a fantasy nut-thief scenario, it would really open minds.

“With the right star and message, I think we can make a difference to the way furries are perceived in this country.

“Then we can put clear blue water between ourselves and plushies, those people who have sex with stuffed toys. They are freaks.”

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Pay increase doesn't compensate for loss of bonuses, say minimum wagers

MINIMUM wage earners have blasted their pay rise of 19p an hour as inadequate recompense for losing their multi-million pound bonuses.

EU regulations have capped bonus sizes for dishwashers, order pickers and cleaners, leaving them with their salary, share options and seven-figure retention allowances.

Stephen Malley, who works as an acne-covered kitchen assistant, said: “Raising the basic wage is a step in the right direction, but at this rate I’ll be retiring on less than £3 million a year.

“And my directorships and consultancies, obviously.”

Care worker Carolyn Ryan said: “The extra £7.60 a week I’ll earn is nothing. How am I supposed to pay school fees, the mortgage on our London place and the cottage in Cornwall, and buy the kids new skis on that?

“I suggested they dip into their trust funds, but the looks I got. I suppose I’ll have to arrange a no-repayment-date personal loan from our offshore shell corporation, as bloody usual.”

Economist Julian Cook said: “It’s the politics of class war. Who’s going to boost the economy by buying new cars, second homes and investing in tech start-ups if not the minimum wage movers and shakers?”

The pay rise has left takeaway outlets and cleaning firms empty as staff rush to arrange putting their extra 19p an hour into a tax shelter.