Future generations to wonder why ancestors built Stonehenge A303 tunnel

FUTURE generations will walk around the Stonehenge A303 road tunnel wondering why it was constructed, it has been confirmed. 

Tourists in 3228AD will walk the length of the planned 1.2 mile road tunnel under the stones marvelling at the effort primitive humans made to build it, but only able to guess at its mysterious purpose. 

Future historian Nikki Hollis said: “We believe, after extensive archaeological work, it was connected with the black tarmac ‘ley lines’ criss-crossing ‘England’ far below sea level. 

“But ultimately, we believe the only reason they would go to such extraordinary lengths to build something so awe-inspiring but useless is religion.

“It was a spiritual thing, probably involving human sacrifices and sun gods.”

She added: “We come down to the tunnel at solstice and play drums, drink draughts of their mystical ‘prosecco’ and feel connected to our pagan past. 

“I wish they’d do something to cover that henge up top though. It’s ugly.”

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Woman opposed to anything that makes world a better place

A WOMAN dislikes anything and anyone that tries to improve the world, it has emerged.

Helen Archer, from Sudbury, opposes everything that attempts to improve people’s lives in any way for a number of vindictive reasons.

Archer said: “I never give to charity because it promotes dependency, and anyway I think it’s wrong that people who work for Save The Children get paid a salary instead of doing it for free.

“I don’t see the point of art. Abstract art is even worse because it could have been done by my nephew, who I also dislike because he’s noisy and sticky and cheerful, which makes me furious.

“Why’s the government spending taxpayers’ money putting flowerbeds in public parks? They could be spending it on something useful like deporting refugees.”

Archer also confirmed that listening to music was pointless, travelling anywhere was a waste of time, and that she made a point of never smiling at anyone because they probably didn’t deserve to be smiled at.

Archer’s sister Frances said: “We used to think Helen might be depressed, but it turns out she’s perfectly happy just writing angry letters to the local paper about how recycling is a scam and owning a dog should be banned.”